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0212 am 'Get This' news

program date: 
Mon, 02/11/2008


Get This:  Bipolar?  Alcoholic? Paranoid?  Homicidal?  Next stop, Iraq, Soldier…

Chris Andreae



  1. Tunnel Vision:  RailAmerica, the company that operates the Central and Pacific Railroad is willing to ante-up for repairs to unsafe tunnels and to reopen the line between Eugene and the Coast…But only if the State agrees to pay for other improvements and ongoing support.  These relationships between the public and the private sector…I say:  Be sure to sign a pre-nup before you get aboard the Love Train.
  2. Oregon’s five House members along with eight other Western lawmakers (They make Laws of The West, or what?  This isn’t the Way The West Was Won…)  want county timber payments to be added to the energy bill.  (You should take a look at some of the luscious ‘earmarks’ George Bush managed to slip into the bill before telling the nation ‘No more earmarks!’  (Bush’s ‘earmarks’ look suspiciously like hickeys to me…)
  3. Ballot measures in the November election are coming like a pack of starved zombies.  Here’s the problem:  Americans in general – even Portlanders – have been sold a false bill of goods, namely that Big Guv’mint wants to take away their hard-earned money.  (That’s like believing that if a dog ever did catch a car, it would knock the driver senseless and drive to Vegas…)What the hell would Big Guv’mint do with this “hard-earned” (Even that is debatable) money?  Drive to Vegas with the dog and spend it?  No.  Quite simply, the job of the government is to tax people in order redistribute wealth and to pay for services that benefit everyone.  Old farts who don’t want to pay for schools and who are so dumb after fifty years with the television on, that they can’t understand that schools are a shared, common good – these people are compelled to pay their fair share.   Taxes are okay when they foot the bill for the greater good.  War, weaponry and military hijacks benefit no one.  I could go on…
  4. The Oregon Senate backed the governor’s new drivers license laws.
  5. Jaws:  Only about half of Oregon fishmongers provide country of origin info on their labels.  Seafood is the first commodity to face labeling requirements.  But similar requirements are coming for most perishable food items.  (This ought to be good:  I can see the label for factory farmed hamburger:  five, ten, twenty pages and counting…)
  6. A Little Accounting Is A Dangerous Thing:  A former accountant at the Oregon Department of Education faces federal fraud charges after embezzling nearly one million dollars intended for charter schools, anti-drug youth initiatives and school-based health programs.  Another way we Americans have of redistributing wealth.
  7. Mount Hood’s glaciers are melting.  That’s good for fruit growers in the Hood River Valley…But only for the first year.  After that, no snow pack means no spring thaw, means not enough water to grow fruit, means you get in the car with the dog and drive to Vegas.  (Where you will be able to find a bookie willing to give you odds on the meltdown of the world’s weather systems, the ones that have sustained agriculture for tens of thousands of years.  (Or we can always go back to ‘Slash and Burn’ – wait, No… We tried that in Iraq and Afghanistan…
  8. Deuce Coupe:  Fellow speeding through Oregon at 130 mph on his way to court gets pulled over for – speeding.  What else? – His brother-in-law and passenger was cited for possession of marijuana.  (And I say, give the guy a break:  You’d need to blaze one if you were trapped in a Ford Mustang with a madman doing 130…)
  9. Recruit This:  The Berkeley City Council is going to vote tonight – for the final and last time – on whether to continue its ban on Marine recruiters and lose the federal money, or bend over for The Few, The Proud, the Marines…
  10. The Gitmo Six Kangaroo Court proceedings got underway on Monday under the streaming blood-soaked banners of the Death Penalty.  I’ll be surprised if FOX hasn’t already bought the rights to air the executions live (So to speak) on primetime TV.  Imagine the advertising sales revenues!  Let me just leave you with this notion:  The trials are going to take a little time, y’know…say right up to around November.  The martyrdom of these six men will set the Muslim world on fire, and – Bingo! – There’s your  ‘Son of 9/11’…
  11. Faulty Towers:  The RAND Corporation says that the situation in Iraq was the result of “faulty planning.”  (“Faulty planning”?  What planning – “faulty” or otherwise?)
  12. An Iraq war veteran comes home and checks into Cedar Springs Hospital with the following symptoms:  bipolar disorder, alcohol abuse, “some paranoia” and “possible homicidal tendencies”  (I think we can eliminate the “homicidal tendencies” as just something he picked up in the Army…) Anyway, the Army comes to the hospital, checks the guy out early and send him back to Iraq.  “Faulty planning” indeed…
  13. General Motors lost a record $39 billion dollars.  The company blames the fiasco on workers healthcare costs.  I’m going to throw this out:  How about gross mismanagement by top-ranking officers of the company who utterly failed to see that customers don’t want the behemoths GM continued to bet on, long after the winds of change had shifted?  (More “faulty planning” there again.)  Thank you, Rand Corp. for practically writing this column for me…
  14. By 2050, white people will be a minority in the US.  (It’ll be that much easier for their kids to go to college under Affirmative Action…)
  15. One hundred thousand Independent voters in Los Angeles did not get their ballots counted in the Democratic primary.  Coincidentally, Hillary Clinton won…
  16. Lost:  Two CBS journalists have gone missing – presumed kidnapped – somewhere around Basra.   (So if you live in Basra and you see a couple of guys wandering around the streets, disoriented, please return them to your local CIA black-ops  Forward Operating Base…)
  17. From Russia With Love:  Russia forgave nearly all of the 13 billion dollar debt owed to it by Iraq.   (What have you done for Iraq lately?)
  18. Benazir Bhutto predicted her own assassination in a book she finished writing just days before she was killed.  (Lessons Learned:  Write faster…And don’t stick your head out the sunroof…)



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